You’ve been incorrectly identified as a Mafia Goon by your fellow Townsfolk. No amount of pleading your innocence has helped, and you’ve resigned yourself to your fate. You’ve been in the cell all day without food or water and you’re starving. Your hanging is scheduled for midnight and you are grateful that your misery will soon be over.
At 9PM the jailer brings your final meal to your cell. Resigned to your fate, you brave a small smile at this final small act of kindness. Your mouth has been watering and your stomach grumbling for hours at the thought of the delicious spit-braaied lamb, beef and pork feast that has been cooking in the Town Square just outside the prison. The smells have driven your hunger through the roof. As a dedicated meat eater you can’t wait to tuck in to a pile of well cooked animal flesh. You’re even hoping they bring an ice-cold beer or two with it.
Turns out though that the Townspeople are a really vindictive bunch of bastards. Teasing you with the spit braai was just another layer of the punishment they have for you.
The jailer, chewing on a lamb shank, gives you a choice: A plate of raw tofu and a beetroot juice; or a bowl of over cooked quinoa and a kale smoothie.
Which would you pick as your final meal?
Tofu and beetroot juice
Quinoa and kale smoothie
I’d rather die hungry
0voters
(If you are an actual vegetarian, firstly, ag shame. Then, replace the tofu with pork and the quinoa with lamb as your choices.)
I eat quinoa and terrible shakes from time to time. True, I usually put hot sweet chilli sauce on my quinoa, but I think I could manage. And tofu on its own without a nice brown sauce is pretty bleh
never tried either but regulary make beetroot juice and ginger from the garden.
I would eat as much as I could out of principle so when they hang me my bowels open and they have to clean up the mess.
Quinoa isn’t that bad, but those are some absolutely terrible choices. Urgh that is such a kak way to go out. But quinoa over tofu in every single situation ever!
It’s the turning it into a smoothie that got me. (Pre-publication edit: I should have read the setup. It’s just the kale that’s in the smoothie.)
I’m going to eat it just so my final vengeance can be complete: puking all over who kills me. Or at least all around me so that whoever has to fetch my corpse will have to deal with it. Take that, bigoted townsfolk!
I actually haven’t tried it yet. I saw it for the first time at PnP, so I picked up a bunch. I better make it before it goes off… If its bitter like you say, I probably won’t like it either. We’ll see if olive oil and garlic salt (or something) helps.
I know raw it has a very bitter taste - or at least the bit I tried. and that was enough to put me off it, Im sure if cooked properly it will be good, just not sure how
Morning Choosers! Topical choice today cos I’m still feel shite, and reading through Offbeat yesterday, I see I’m not the only one who has been flu-bitten and had car troubles recently…
So, having choked down your overcooked quinoa and gagged down your kale smoothie, you’re waiting for the executioner to arrive to take you to the gallows. It takes you a moment to realise that the sudden whirlwind of purple and orange smoke outside your cell is not a hallucination. The smoke clears and you see a genie standing there looking at you with a strange smirk on his face. You don’t know he’s a genie yet because he’s wearing a 3-piece suit with a bowtie and a bowler hat. He looks more like Batman’s Alfred than Aladdin’s Jinni. Oh, and he’s a rhino.
He tells you his name is Mewb the Most Epic, genie to the stars, And that he is there to save you. He makes you an offer you can’t refuse. He’ll spirit you away from the evil, backstabbing Townsfolk and return you to your real life home, safe and unharmed. In return you must choose one of two fates: (A) You will suffer through a serious week-long bout of flu every year for the rest of your life; or (B) You will experience some sort of irritating car trouble at least once a year for the rest of your life.
No amount of flu-shoots, boosters, climate changes will stop the flu - you’ll get it regardless. And it won’t matter if you actually have a car or not, or even use a car - whatever mode of transport you’re using that year, whoever it belongs to, will suffer some form of mechanical breakdown at least once every year.
